Shattered Peace
by Voyfemme
Summary: Chakotay wrestles with his loss of inner peace after his experiences on the Vhori Sphere as Janeway struggles with the issues of trust between them JCPairing:JC, JTu Rating: PG13Type of Story: DramaLevel: 2
1. Chapter 1

**Part 8: The Dark Pages**

**Page 4: Shattered Peace**

_Summary_:

Chakotay wrestles with his loss of inner peace after his experiences on the Vhori Sphere as Janeway struggles with the issues of trust between them (J/C)

_Pairing:_J/C, JTu _Rating_: PG-13_ Type of Story:_ Drama _Level_: 2

**

* * *

Part 8: The Dark Pages**

**Page 4: Shattered Peace**

_How many times have I been in this position and I still can't get used to it. I've done this action throughout my whole Command career and still drives me nuts, I can't work effectively through it, I can't think of something else, so I stand and stare at the stars. I am waiting for someone else to tell me that one of my crew is safe. To make me grateful that they have been found. To make me thank the heavens that their lives have been spared…this time._

_The Kradin Ambassador is confident that we will find Chakotay. I have to force myself to share his enthusiasm. I have lost too many members of my crew in this quadrant. Sometimes I feel like I have no enthusiasm left, like I'm running on instinct. The instinct of survival for my crew and for myself. I have to_ _show that I believe that we are getting home, I have to act like there is no doubt in my mind. Even on the days when all I want to do is run and hide, the days when I myself have no hope._

She gave a sad smile.

_I used to be able to go to Chakotay. Actually I should say that Chakotay would come to me. He used to be able to read me so well, like Tuvok…..until recently. He and Tuvok had been my side, guiding me, advising me helping me throughout the loneliness of my command here in the delta quadrant. Now Tuvok has gone to help find him and I stand here and wait._

_Three days ago, I didn't know your name and now I can't imagine one day without you_

_Our connection had been so strong. One touch communicated so much. Now, it's like were strangers. Not one day without him, I can't imagine one day without him. We could not have made it this far without him. We would have been drained of our neural energy by the Komar, the Marquis would have definitely not integrated themselves this well into our crew, Seska would have sold us out to the Kazon, I would have not found the extra strength I needed to fight that alien who posed as Daddy and_……….

_**We would have been assimilated.**_

The thought was loud as it ricocheted off her mind. Kathryn gave a loud cry and her hands flew to her mouth. She stumbled to the table in her quarters and sat down nearly missing the chair. Her breathing was ragged and she struggled to control it. Her knees felt week, she felt as if her body was phasing in and out. She took deep breaths trying to regulate the rhythm of her heart. If Kathryn did not know herself well, she would have hailed the Bridge to find out if they were under attack, if something was out of the ordinary.

The thought had come from her. She saw clearly what she couldn't see before. What had happened over the past three weeks suddenly came into focus and she understood.

'My God, what _have I done_?'

Another thought assailed her.

"Do you always have to be the Captain Kath?"

Mark's voice came to her out of the blue. She hadn't heard it in a long time. How she hated when he had said that because it meant that she wasn't listening to him say what _he_ wanted to do, she was going on without him so caught up in what _she_ wanted, where she wanted to eat, to spend their vacation, she was effectively ignoring him.

Kathryn eyes were dry and in an instant the week knees straightened and she felt her body very much in phase with the things around her. The revelations flashed through her mind as she could see clearly now what was so muddled to her before……her behavior.

_I didn't listen to him. I said that I heard and I understood, but the truth is that I didn't even listen to him. He has been at my side through everything. He and Tuvok, and in this instance I didn't even ask for counsel, I unilaterally decided._ _And I know why I didn't want to tell him anything, because I knew that he couldn't see beyond what the New Co-operative had done to him to work with the Borg, to see that my plan would be the only way to ensure that the crew would be safe. But my plan wasn't fool proof or safe was it? In the end if he hadn't forced me to listen to him, we would have been assimilated. I would have lost everything that I hold dear, my crew, our chance to get home, my individuality. At this time I would be part of the collective, another Locutus_.

_That's all I could have think about, getting home. I gave lip service to caring about this quadrant, about the effects of species 8472 conquering the Borg. Would not the effect be the same if the Borg had assimilated 8472?_

"How much is our safety worth?

We will be giving an advantage to a race guilty of murdering billions. We'd be helping the Borg assimilate yet another species just to get ourselves back home! It's WRONG!"

His part of their conversation a month ago replayed itself many times in her mind. It came to her when she looked up from her status reports after a long day on the Bridge. It came to her in the silence of her quarters where she spent her nights alone. Sometimes it even came to her when she was observing Chakotay silently. She looked at him in anger, clutching at the knowledge that in this case, she was right and he was wrong.

"How much is our safety worth?"

_It was worth a whole race to me wasn't it? At least Jean-Luc Picard stopped short of genocide. I was forced to stop. I wouldn't have stopped otherwise and why?_

"Tell that to Harry Kim! He's barely alive thanks to that species. Maybe helping to assimilate them isn't such a bad idea. We could be doing the Delta Quadrant a favor."

_That was the time that 8472 crossed the line with me wasn't it? They had hurt one of mine and I set myself up as judge jury and executioner of an entire race because that cinched it. They were worse than the Borg._

Kathryn began to pace. At one time she passed the long mirror in her quarters. She stopped stared. For the first time, she didn't recognize the woman who looked back at her. She looked so strange. The expression on her face was hard, her eyes were constricted and her hair was disheveled. She looked like she had just seen a vision on of Hell was determined to fight its coming.

'_What have I become?'_

_'Who am I?'_

Her face gave no indication of the racing inner thoughts that she was experiencing. It was perfectly calm.

I am the woman who blew up the caretaker's Array so that the Ocampa race would be safe from the Kazon for another five years. I have put my ship on a collision course with Dreadnought in order to help a civilization fend off its effects, and now two years later I was willing to commit genocide, to get what I want.'

"I don't think that you really believe that. I think that you're struggling to justify your plan because your desire to get the crew home is blinding you to other options. I know you Kathryn! Sometimes...you don't know when to step back."

_God, how well does he know me! I couldn't see beyond what I wanted. And I didn't want to step back and consider anything else. Especially his suggestion that we turn around, I don't back down; I was going to get this crew home, by any means necessary or die trying. He was so right and somehow, instinctively I knew it. I lashed out._

_I reached out and I hurt_

"Do you trust me Chakotay?"

_The question that was haunting me was, do I trust myself?'_

The reflection's face fell and on it Kathryn saw an expression of fear. It explained everything. She saw the look of fear being replaced by a look of stoicism. Kathryn was holding herself rigid.

_I need to be able to do this. To cover my fear, to act as I need to, to make the decisions that I have to make quickly, but this wasn't using fear, this was giving in to it. And Chakotay had taken the brunt of it._

_If anything happens to Chakotay._

It stopped. Her legs could not support her anymore and she sank onto her couch. She felt drained as if something had poured out of her, she was lighter. Somehow she knew that it was good, what had happened to her. She had no idea what it was, but it was OK, but just to make sure...

"Paris to Janeway"

"Janeway here."

"Captain, Tuvok has just contacted us from the surface. They've found Chakotay. He's OK"

Kathryn just sat. She felt something stirring in her; she recognized it as hope.

"Captain?"

Swiftly she got to her feet and straightened her hair as she left her quarters. "I'm on my way." What truly amazed Kathryn was that she shed no tears during the entire episode. It still felt like an alternate reality experience, but it may have been something else. She was on her way to the Bridge. She would check on it.

All around them, undetected by any sensors that they had, there were ripples in the level of reality beyond the subatomic. The being that was Kes gave a sigh of relief. Somehow she knew it was going to be OK.


	2. Chapter 2

"Chakotay!"

"I wish that it was as easy to stop hating as it was to start."

With that Chakotay left Kathryn standing in the corridor with a shocked and concerned look in her eye. She realized that she was correct when she had made her official log for the day. It was going to take some time to heal his psychological wounds. She wished that she could have gone after him then and there, but she had to deal with the bewildered Kradin Ambassador and an equally bewildered Neelix. She did.

* * *

The next day she gave Chakotay the day off and after ensuring that the ship was in top shape leaving the Kradin and Vhori system, she left Tuvok in charge on the Bridge and headed to Chakotay's Quarters

She rang the chime.

"Come in."

When she did, she saw Chakotay's silhouette by the viewport in his front room. His quarters were dark except for one candle that was burning. It cast and eerie glow about the room and she knew that he had intended it for that purpose. Kathryn took a deep breath and joined him at the view port. He did not turn, did not respond or acknowledge her presence in any way.

She felt silly. Why did she think that he was going to talk to her? After all the things that had happened between them, she would be the last person that he would want to talk to. It had been instinctive. He was in pain and she went to him. In the past she would have held back, waited until it was safe, but because of the insights that she had when he was lost on the Kradin sphere, she was afraid to wait. She was afraid that something would happen again, that she would not be able to say the things that she needed to say, that she would lose him. Looking at him now, she realized that their argument must be one of the last things on his mind.

"Chakotay, I know that things have been strained between us, but if there is anything that I can do."

He looked at her through the reflection in the viewport.

"Thank you Captain, but right now I think that I want to get some rest. It's been a long day for me already."

"Of course"

She left his quarters. As the door closed behind her, Kathryn let out a deep sigh. She knew exactly what had just happened. He closed himself off from her. Normally she was the one who kept the walls between them intact. But those walls had come down in the middle of the second year that they were stranded in the Delta Quadrant, and they had never but them up again…….until now.

Kathryn forced her feet to take her to the Bridge. It was going to be a long day.

* * *

"Congratulations again Tuvok, you have definitely deserved it."

Kathryn and Tuvok were in her quarters on the night that he had received his commendation. When they had just finished going over the reports submitted by B'Elanna and the Doctor about the Isomorph that they had encountered on their mission, Kathryn had invited him to dinner to continue their celebration. Of all her senior officers, she had known Tuvok the longest and they had been firm friends before they ended up in the Delta Quadrant, it was something that she had wanted to do.

The conversation was light and pleasant during dinner. They had just finished eating, and Kathryn held up a glass of replicated Merlot to her security chief.

"Thank you Captain."

"You did an excellent job in retrieving Commander Chakotay."

Tuvok looked pensive, as if he was debating the logic of what he was going to say next.

"He seemed to have undergone great emotional turmoil in the Vhori training camp."

"I'm worried Tuvok."

This was obvious to him as he watched the expression that had come over her face. He knew it to be a display of the emotion concern.

"He's closed himself off from me, and I can't reach him. I want to understand more of what happened with the Vhori. You said that you had to persuade him to recognize you in your Kradin uniform. Why? Vulcan's don't look anything like the Kradin and you weren't wearing a mask."

"Commander Chakotay had a weapon trained on me and was prepared to shoot me. Based on the Doctor's medical report that was included in the mission report, it may have been possible that the Commander mistook me for a Kradin soldier. I persuaded him by reminding him that he was a scientist and an explorer and not a killer. That argument seemed to have an affect on Commander Chakotay. However he still did not lower his weapon. He was," Tuvok hesitated trying to find the right name for the emotion that he had witnessed "enraged that I was wearing Kradin colors. It was only when I promised to verify my statements with proof did he lower his weapon."

He paused before continuing

"Looking back, it would have better if we were able to retrieving him sooner, however, I was extremely pleased that I was able to bring the Commander back safely to Voyager. If I had been unsuccessful, the loss to Voyager, to the crew and to myself would have been great."

Kathryn almost choked

"To yourself?"

"I must admit that at first, I found myself in the difficult position of questioning the wisdom of your appointment of the Commander as First Officer. However I have come to realize that it is better for the crew that he be in this position, even now. I have found that the Commander is indeed a competent first Officer and I have come to respect him as a good colleague to myself."

Tuvok paused again.

"You and the Commander have demonstrated effective leadership during this journey. I was pleased when you and the Commander developed a friendship which was outside of Command. He was able to be a good friend to you during the times that I could not be what you needed."

"I never knew that you thought so highly of him Tuvok." She was surprised. Even without emotions, he had realized what the crew would need, what she would need as an emotional being and had given his quiet approval and support.

He gave a swift nod of the head.

"It is curious Captain."

Kathryn was dreading what she knew was going to follow.

"What is?"

"Did you and the Commander have a disagreement over the course of action to be taken with the Borg and Species 8472?"

"Yes we did. He thought that we should have turned back and stayed out of harm's way. But I could see how we would be able to use the Borg's weakness to our advantage. In the end, we pulled away from each other. It was only when we were in fluidic space we could see what was going on between us and begin to work together to get the crew through the crisis."

Kathryn tried hard to answer his question without attaching any emotional weight on what she said, but the sadness came back to her as she spoke the words.

"Why do you ask?"

"By your actions and expressions when you came out of the ready room, I could see that something was different between the two of you. The commander was very quiet during the meeting, and from working with him, I had come to realize that he did not agree with your course of action. He was not going to voice his opinions until you were in private. If he had agreed, he would have voiced it in the meeting in front of all of us. It would have helped the senior officers' acceptance of your course of action. There was also the non-verbal communications between you and the Commander when you contacted us from the Borg cube and asked me to join you there. I must admit, I had to wait to see what the Commander would authorize my departure before I left. I didn't know if he would have rescinded your order. Finally, when you were in a coma and the Commander made his decision about breaking our alliance with the Borg, I understood how much he must have been in disagreement with your plan."

Kathryn looked at her friend almost sorrowfully.

"What did you think about what I was proposing?"

Tuvok had always thought it prudent not to lie or even dissemble.

"I must admit, Captain, I was skeptical at first. I could see the logic of your plan, however, I thought that a little more time may have been needed in order to perfect the plan and to ensure that the nanoprobes would work."

Kathryn looked down for a moment in order to mask what she was feeling. As she was sure they passed and her face was back to normal, she looked at Tuvok and said softly.

"During our journey through this quadrant, I have been seeing parts of myself that I do not like. There are actions and attitudes that I have taken that I never thought I would before. The conflict between the Borg and Species 8472 seemed to highlight a lot of these attitudes and actions."

"Do you question the decisions that you have made since you have entered this quadrant?"

"Some yes, some no. More often than not, I do not question my own decisions. Where there was a loss of life, I do for a while, if only to ensure that if any mistakes are made, it will be corrected so that no more of my crew would be lost in this quadrant. So far that hasn't happened. But I find myself in this instance questioning my methods and motivations more than the actual decision that was made. Questioning my logic in my thinking process and the consequences of my actions."

"Of what has happened in Borg space I find myself going over the same questions in my head. What did we leave there? When Seven was last in contact with the Collective, species 8472 was in retreat. Did they stay in retreat? Did the Borg recover the nanoprobes and was able to discover how to modify them to assimilate species 8472? Or did species 8472 assimilate the Collective? Which would be the bigger threat? What about the other species in the Delta Quadrant? What happens to them now?"

Kathryn's voice lowered.

"My own behavior I have to question also. I almost got us assimilated Tuvok. Everything that we have endured for the past three years would have been for nothing and I would have failed to get the crew home. All because I wouldn't listen to what Chakotay had to say. Oversight is one thing, but refusing to listen to a legitimate concern is quite another."

"Captain." Tuvok tried to lower his voice to what he had observed was an intimate tone. He did not appreciate what he was hearing. It was unlike the Captain Janeway to sound so disturbed over a decision that she had made. And he did not think that she was being fair to herself by pursuing such doubts.

Kathryn heard him and faced him.

"You have guided this crew through hostile aliens, dangerous anomalies, forbidden space and have ensured that we have been safe for three years in this uncharted region of space. We have only lost 10 crewmen in the process. Other ships in charted space have lost more crewmen than Voyager. You have also done it without the help of Starfleet. These facts indicate that you are indeed a capable captain."

He continued.

"I have never seen you exhibit remorse. I do not think that you should. Remorse is illogical, and as Seven would say "irrelevant". If there are some things which disturb you about the incident, then what is needed is for you to discern what they are and modify your attitudes and behavior so that future mistakes are avoided."

Kathryn thought of Chakotay.

"It is what is needed, isn't it?"


	3. Chapter 3

The air was cool as it blew across his face. Chakotay turned his face to the sun and let it bathe his cheeks appreciating the warmth, something he was not able to do when he was on the Vhori sphere. He had too busy fighting, to pay anything but a quick thought to the scenery around him. It was as he remembered it.

He had been looking through the list of Holodeck programs and found one of New Earth that Crewman Foster had made. He had made a holographic scan of the planet when they had first arrived and worked on it when some of the crew were on the planet gathering supplies. He had never used it by the date on the computer for the last activation of the program.

Chakotay was glad that he found it. If there was any place appropriate to think about the anger that he felt growing within him, it would be here. Here, where he had admitted to the Captain and to himself the real source of his peace.

It had started so innocently. He was fighting out of self-defense, keeping his mind on his mission; to get to communications and to contact Voyager so he could return. The Vhori were going to help him accomplish that, and he knew that if he was indeed in the middle of a battle zone, the Kradin would see him as an enemy.

He had tried to cut through their propaganda, to show them the true nature of their enemy. The Kradin were like them, a sentient race that lived and died in the same manner they did. He thought that he could have actually persuaded them to find a better way to settle their differences, other than waging war. But in the end, he was the one who was persuaded to fight their war.

Chakotay could feel himself growing angrier as he thought about all that he had experienced.

He wondered how they could have seen his blind spots. How could they have known how he would have reacted to seeing someone die in front of him? Or more importantly his reaction to seeing the desecration of their graves? He could have just decided to leave the Vhori to their war and worked on his own to try and find his way back to Voyager. Instead he turned his back on all that had become important to him. In three short days, he forgot about Voyager, her crew, their journey to the alpha quadrant and the promises he had made to their captain.

_Not that those promises weren't broken two weeks before_, he mused. It was supposed to be a light comment, but as the thought crossed his mind, he felt the darkness enter, making a home with the anger that seemed to be a constant companion to him now.

_Wrestle your trembles to rages_

And what a rage he must have been in! He had killed, and was ready to kill without thought, remorse or mercy. And the hate……he didn't even see Tuvok, all he could see was some Kradin beast because of it.

The anger had grown inside of him had grown so much that he could not sit still. Chakotay wanted to run, he wanted to hide. It was too soon, he did not want to face what was going on inside of him

"Crewman Gerron to Commander Chakotay"

"Yes Gerron what is it?"

"Henley just cancelled out on our game of hoverball and I wondered..."

"I'm on my way"

As he left the holodeck, a small voice reminded Chakotay that he could not run forever.

* * *

Chakotay was surprised by the darkness that surrounded him. Normally when he entered his visions it was always light. He looked around and saw a faint glow from a ceiling light. He was in sickbay. A lone figure was standing at the view port and he realized that this was going to be his guide in his vision. By the silhouette, he could see that the guide was female, shorter than he was and with long hair. He made his way towards her. She heard him coming and then turned to face him.

"Kes!"

"Hello Com...Chakotay" She looked no different than she did the day that she left the ship and he had seen her one piece blue jumper countless number of times. Looking at her, it was hard to believe that she had left the ship a month ago.

"I waited for you a long time and I didn't think that you would come, but Kolopec assured me that you would, eventually."

"Will father join us?"

"In time. Come it is time for us to go."

She walked towards the door and he fell into step with her. When the door opened, it revealed the corridor on deck five. However the moment he stepped through it he found that the surroundings had changed.

They were in a forest. It was daylight, and from the position of the sun and the temperature of the air, Chakotay guessed that it was mid morning. It was unnaturally quiet. Every forest supported some kind of wild life unless it was an artificial projection. Bees, birds, rodents and mammals all made noises as they went through their normal daily routine. This forest was devoid of life. Chakotay could see why. There were large crater holes in the ground and he recognized that they were made from weapons fire. The smell of burnt wood and vegetation assailed his nostrils, confirming his suspicions. They were indeed in the middle of a war zone.

A low moan came from the ground and when Chakotay looked down he saw that what at first glance seemed like a pile of debris, was actually a humanoid covered with dead vegetation and pieces of broken trees and rocks. He stooped down and turned the heap.

It was a Kradin soldier.

He recoiled. It was still difficult to see that visage and prevent his immediate reaction of hatred. It had taken a couple of days away from Vhori and Kradin territories before he could make his report about his experiences on their sphere, because he could not bring himself to be objective about what had happened. The hatred of the Kradin and the anger towards the Vhori for what they did to him prevented that. He found that in time, the hatred had lessened, but for some reason the anger had increased. It was not directed at either the Kradin or the Vhori, it was free flowing and ever present.

Chakotay took a couple of seconds to recover and then turned the Kradin soldier back on his stomach. He turned to Kes but her eyes were somewhere else, she was looking to a cluster of tress that was to the north of where she stood. He spoke

"Kes?"

"This way" She led the way and he followed. They made their way through a cluster of tress and when he moved the final set of branches out of his way, he was startled at the scene in front of him. There was a person, a man by his stature making his way through the clearing. He recognized what he was wearing. It was one of his outfits that he owned in the Marquis. The man turned and then Chakotay was able to make out who it was. It was him. At once Chakotay felt some kind of link being formed with him. When the Marquis turned, Chakotay could see that he was carrying Vhori arms and he recognized the look on his face. He knew what the Marquis soldier was feeling because he was feeling it also. Chakotay remained where he was as an observer, able to see the situation in which the Marquis soldier found himself and the way that he reacted.

By his feelings, Chakotay guessed that the Marquis soldier was being pursued. He heard weapons fire and saw the Marquis soldier duck to escape it. Turning towards the source of the fire, he saw men in black coming towards the Marquis soldier. He couldn't make out who they were until they came in to the clearing and then he recognized their race. Cardassians.

The Marquis soldier was making his way quickly through the forest. He knew his way around because Chakotay realized where he was. He was in the trunks near the Larhana settlement. Chakotay did not notice that he did not have to physically follow the Marquis soldier in order to keep him in his line of vision. The surroundings were always changing so that he could have the maximum view him. It also helped that Chakotay was feeling everything that the Marquis soldier was feeling.

At one point, realizing that he would not have the cover of the trees much longer, the Marquis soldier climbed the nearest one and waited. The Cardassians arrived at the foot of the tree and looked ahead of them and saw the beginning of the clearing. They realized that given the distance between them and the Marquis soldier, there was no way that he could have gotten that far ahead. The deduced his tactics correctly and looked up. The Marquis soldier was ready for them. He took the three Cardassians out one at a time, aiming for their heart. They were dead before they hit the ground. For some reason the rest of the squadron did not encircle the tree, they kept coming at him in a straight line. The Marquis soldier picked them off one by one until they were all dead.

Chakotay looked at the ten Cardassians lying at the foot of the tree and felt relief. It was over and he, the Marquis soldier, was safe. There would be no more fighting. He climbed down the tree and turned over the nearest Cardassian. It was Seska. A feeling of triumph filled him. He had gotten the best of her in the end, even though she had almost destroyed Voyager, almost destroyed him. He activated a Voyager combadge. This surprised Chakotay as he had not seen it on the Marquis soldier when he first looked at him.

"Chakotay to Kathryn"

"Kathryn here."

"I am ready to return."

"I will join you there immediately."

"Acknowledged, Chakotay out"

This conversation was puzzling. He never called the Captain Kathryn over the Com. lines and it made no sense to him that although he was ready to return to the ship, Kathryn was going to join him. The Marquis soldier sat and waited.

Chakotay heard a noise in the background and saw a figure coming to join the Marquis soldier.

"Kathryn!" he exclaimed.

"She can't hear you. She came here for the Marquis soldier." Kes answered him.

This looked like it was indeed her mission. However when she got within 5 feet of the soldier she stopped. The Marquis soldier heard it too, but he pretended, or was not aware of the Captain. Chakotay realized that it was because there was the sound of something else happening in the woods. Four young children came running towards the Marquis soldier.

"Chakotay help us, don't let them take us!"

He recognized the first child. It was Padya

The children ran pass the Marquis soldier. At that instant, Chakotay felt paralyzed. He could not move, he could not speak, all he could do was shift his head. He looked at Kes, but her eyes were on the Captain who was staring at the Marquis soldier in front of her. Concern lined her face. Chakotay understood why. The soldier was also paralyzed. He stood mute and watched the children pass him to run deeper into the woods. A figure appeared, it was a Kradin soldier, then another and another. They all passed the Marquis soldier and Kathryn as if they were not there, as they pursued the children. Chakotay had kept a silent count of the soldiers that passed him. The Kradin squadron numbered fifteen in all. The significance of the number was not lost on him.

Suddenly the feeling of paralysis passed and when Chakotay was able to speak.

"Padya!"

The response to his call was a childlike scream that chilled him to the bone. He could see by the expression on the Marquis soldier's face that it had chilled him too, but it also spurred him into action. He moved again through the trunks. Chakotay shifted his gaze on Kathryn. She stood still in time and she seemed to be watching the soldier as he and Kes were doing. When his eyes shifted back to the soldier, he did a double take. The soldier was not Marquis any longer. He was Vhori, wearing their colors. By this time, the Vhori soldier had reached the first child who was lying face down in the dirt. He turned her over fear gripping his heart. He felt the side of her neck and there was no pulse. She was dead. Chakotay felt the anger replace the peace that the Marquis soldier had felt when he was waiting for the captain to join him. He turned the child back to face the earth so that she could go the glorified way after. He heard another scream and quickly moved towards the source. His heart was pounding in his ears when he reached anther point and saw another body on the ground. It was another of the children. She too was dead. Chakotay felt the anger inside of him intensify as the scene replayed itself over for the rest of the children. However by the time he found Padya, he felt a sense of calm. The rage, which was inside of him, had consumed all of him so that it was part of his being, not something strange and uncomfortable to him. And that realization brought calm. Chakotay knew what he had to do.

He tracked them. He was good at that. Somehow all of the knowledge that he thought he forgotten when he was in the Marquis came back to him and it intensified the Starfleet training he had received. As Chakotay, Kes and the Captain watched, the Vhori soldier tracked the Kradin through the forest. It became dark, light and then dark again but all through it Chakotay tracked the killers. On the dawn of the third day, Chakotay found the killers asleep in their camp for the night. He watched their chests rise and fall steadily and readied his weapon. He said a silent prayer of thanksgiving for the moment and began to fire.

He killed seven before any of the soldiers realized what was happening. Then rest awoke and began to plead with him.

"Please no, don't shoot" One said.

"We're sorry, we didn't mean to, we were ordered to the point of death" Another cried out.

"Please I am only 15 years old and I have two sisters to feed, they'll starve without me."

The remaining soldiers were on their knees as they watched Chakotay come into their view and stand four feet away from them, begging and pleading for their lives.

Chakotay was perfectly calm and said in a low tone that sent a chill through his body.

"Motherless beasts."

He shot all of them one at a time in the midst of their screams and pleas for mercy. Then he lowered his weapon and waited. A Vhori woman came towards him. It was Riley. She spoke with the voice of the new Co-operative.

"Thank you for taking care of the Kradin for us. Your services are not required anymore." and with that she vanished from view.

It was then that his counterpart realized what had happened to him and how he had been tricked into doing what he did. He lowered the weapon and a look of disgust came over his face. Chakotay knew that it was self-loathing. He was feeling was disgust at the slaughter that he had just witnessed, the one that he had just performed.

Chakotay stood still as he felt the connection between himself and the soldier being broken. He was no longer feeling what his counterpart was experiencing. The anger and the rage that was inside of him from his connection to the soldier gave way to something unexpected, sadness and hurt. He looked at Kes and at the Captain. Their sadness for him was on their faces. Kathryn was crying. He bowed his head in shame.

His counterpart sunk to the ground, he seemed unable to stand anymore. Kathryn was the one who moved first. She went to him and tried to touch his shoulder, but she couldn't. It seemed that there was an invisible force-field in place, which prevented her hand from connecting with his body. She kept on trying. At one point, the soldier looked up and saw her. Chakotay realized that his counterpart had known that she had been watching him, but he hadn't acknowledged her. Now he was pushing her away. As he looked at her, she kept having to fall back, as if the force-field was expanding. In the end she could get no closer than three feet from him.

Kes' hand found his. He squeezed it gratefully. The last scene between him and Kathryn struck him deeply. It came to him all at once what was being shown to him. He felt lightheaded with the realization and used Kes' hand as something to ground him. He looked at his counterpart and Kathryn again. Kathryn was hurt, he could see it in her eyes. His counterpart had a blank look on his face. They looked at each other in a face off.

Footsteps were heard in the distance coming towards them. It was Kolopec.

The instant that Chakotay recognized his father, he tried to look at Kes, but he was not looking into her eyes, he found himself looking into Kathryn's eyes. He had become his counterpart. He felt the tiredness in his bones and the sadness in his heart. It felt familiar somehow. He watched his father advance.

"Hello Chakotay."

He knew why it felt familiar. He was glad that it was. Kolopec put his arm on Chakotay's shoulder.

"We've done this before father"

"It think you would agree that we need to do this again."

"I do"

Kes came up to him and put her arm on one of his.

"I can see why your spirit is in agony over this Chakotay."

"Com…..Chakotay, we are here for you in whatever way you need us to be because of what has happened to you."

Chakotay felt love from both his father and her. It gave him courage to say what he needed.

"I am ashamed of my actions, of my feelings. I can't believe that in three short days all that I had worked for, all the resolutions that I made would be undone. That I could hate so thoroughly." He added the last sentence in a low voice

"From what we saw, you weren't in control of your actions, it was not your fault" His father answered.

"That maybe so, but they were my actions and I am responsible for their consequences even though they may not have been my fault. I don't think that's what disturbs me the most is that there was some part of me that enjoyed it, that enjoys hurting, that enjoys killing"

"You are Commander Chakotay, you are a scientist, and explorer, you are not a killer." Tuvok stood in front of them in Kradin colors. Chakotay felt himself react again, but to a much lesser extent since he realized who it was standing before him.

"How can you say that Tuvok, I almost killed _you_."

Tuvok's voice spoke again and Chakotay found that he and Kolopec were inside of Tuvok's quarters watching Tuvok and Kes conversing.

"The Vulcan heart was forged out of barbarism and violence. We learned to control it, but it is still a part of us. To pretend that it does not exist is to create an opportunity for it to escape."

Tuvok understood.

They were back in the woods again. Tuvok had vanished. Kes and Kolopec still had their hands oh his arms. He felt the connection between he three of them. It was deep and powerful. Chakotay looked at Kes.

"I remember when you came to ask me about being in the Marquis after our encounter with Sisperia. I didn't know that you were worried about enjoying violence."

"I had never felt like that, I wanted to make sure that there wasn't something wrong with me so I asked you and I asked Tuvok about it afterwards. When he told me what you just heard, I realized that violence was part of everyone's being, even a Vulcan's. I began to forgive myself for hurting Tuvok and move on from the experience. However when it happened again when Tieron was in control of my body, it was a lot more difficult. I had killed….a Voyager crewman, people on Tieron's home world. It was true that I was under someone else's influence at that time, but it was still very hard to move on. I kept thinking that I should have fought harder, prevented that amount of people from dying. But the most sobering part of the experience was that some part of me enjoyed what Tieron did when he possessed my body."

"How did you move on?"

"I had a lot of help from my friends." With that she turned in Kathryn's direction and Kolopec did the same. Chakotay had forgotten that she had been there. When he looked at her, he realized that she still had a sad look on her face although she had stopped crying. He heard footsteps coming towards them and he recognized B'Elanna as she came into view. However she stood behind Kathryn.

"Anytime you need to talk Chakotay." With that she retreated.

Kathryn did not say anything, however when B'Elanna retreated, she looked Chakotay straight in the eye and held up her right hand with the palm open. Chakotay left his father and Kes and walked up to her and tried to touch her, but he found that he couldn't. With a sad face, Kathryn left them also.

"Why can't I touch her?" Chakotay asked in a low voice

"Because you are not there yet." Kolopec answered.

"In time you will be." Kes was joined by Kolopec as she walked towards him.

Both touched his arm and said to him.

"It is time for us to leave."

"Thank you both of you."

They smiled. Chakotay opened his eyes and found that he was in his quarters once more.


	4. Chapter 4

Chakotay sat in his lounger and faced the stars sipping a cup of tea and letting his thoughts run free.

_There was so much in that vision, I don't even know where to start………Kes, I didn't expect to see you so soon. But I am glad that you came to me. I never would have thought that you knew violence so well. I knew what had happened to you and I knew that it would have had an impact on you, but I hadn't realized how deep it was. You definitely weren't the same after the Tieron incident, but somehow you always managed to keep an air of goodness around you even though the innocence was gone._

_I need to be able to do that, to be able to always see where I can help, to give that help willingly but to be able to see beyond the surface, to see possible hidden motives, possible deceptions"_

"The question is, do you trust yourself?"

The words that his father had told him a few days ago came to his mind.

_No I don't. How can I? Let's see there were Paris and Tuvok at first, add to that Seska. I started our Delta Quadrant journey on a roll when it came to bad judgment. Then add to that Riley and the Vhori, I don't think I'll let myself trust another person, help another person, again._

"Helping people, that's part of who you are Chakotay_." _

He recalled the discussion that he and the captain had in sickbay after his encounter with the new co-operative

_Easy for you to say Kathryn, your trust has never been mislaid has it?. No one has ever pulled one over you except for the Borg. And even then, it wasn't personal, it was more professional. A duplicity that was a result of part of their nature, nothing intended to hurt you personally._

_And then I asked you to trust me, precisely because I was duped. But you couldn't and wouldn't hear me. I still don't know about Seven of Nine. I can see that fire in your eyes when you talk of her and of her progress. You believe that it can be done._

He gave a wry smile

_I used to make a policy never to cross you when you got that look in your eye. But now the stakes are too high. If Seven wants us assimilated, she may end up in a position on this vessel that may do us a lot of harm. Do you a lot of harm._

He felt sadness sweep over his whole body.

"_Kathryn……..the peace that the Marquis soldier felt that I felt while he was waiting for you to come was unlike anything that I have ever experienced. All the wars, out in the DMZ and within myself, were over. We had battles here, but they were easier as we were facing them together. I was no longer alone. But somehow, somewhere, the peace got lost, between the Borg, the Kradin and the Vhori. And now it seems like I'm fighting another war with myself and with you. I don't want to fight you anymore and I'm tired of fighting myself. I just want to move on._

"How did you move on?"

"I had a lot of help from my friends."

_You have no idea how much it hurts that I could not touch you, that you could not touch me. You were my best friend. What has happened between us? We are like two strangers passing the night, giving each other a wide birth, and not daring to stop. I didn't think that it was possible, that the two of us could have torn our friendship asunder, but we have haven't we? And the thing is I don't know if we can mend it._

He was talking to her, embracing her in his thoughts as he expressed his sorrow and his disquiet. In the back of his mind he knew that he should be saying these things to her directly, but somehow he still wasn't where he needed, just as his father had told him. He wondered when he would be. The sadness Chakotay felt was all consuming. He got off the lounger and made his way to bed. It was very late.

* * *

When Chakotay opened his eyes and realized that again, nothing happened when he tried to contact his spirit guide, again, he threw the Akuna across the room in a sudden flare of anger

"Where the Hell are you? Aren't you supposed to be my guide, to know when you're needed. Why aren't you visiting me, I need to talk to you. Father, Kes I need you!"

It was only when he felt the sharp pain in the back of his hand, he realized that he had jumped up from the floor, where he had been sitting and was yelling and waving his arms around in anger. The back of his hand had made contact with the bulkhead in the front room of his quarters.

"Oww!"

It felt good to get angry. Lately it seemed that all he felt was sadness. It had been four days since he had the vision quest where he saw his father, Kes, Kathryn, Tuvok and B'Elanna, and he felt as if he were living in a vacuum. He had spoken to no one about his experiences. He couldn't speak to the Captain and since B'Elanna and Tom were now in the initial stages of being a couple, she was otherwise occupied. She didn't catch Chakotay's moods. She also could not see beyond the "First Officer" facade. Others had, Gerron, Henley and Robin. But he was not as close to them as he was to B'Elanna and Kathryn.

It didn't help that nothing had been happening in the Delta Quadrant since they left Vhori and Kradin space. Under normal circumstances, he would have welcomed the routine, but now it meant that he had a lot of time to spend with his thoughts, something that he really wished that he didn't. It seemed that a lot of things were just circling in his head going nowhere. They had no outlet, no expression, especially since he was not able to make contact with anyone on his subsequent vision quests.

His anger was spent quickly and the sadness returned.

"Janeway to Chakotay"

It deepened.

"Chakotay here."

"Commander, I was looking for the science labs status reports, I wanted to check something thing that Robin mentioned to me at dinner."

Commander.

"I have them here in my quarters Captain, do you want me to bring them to the Bridge in the morning?"

Captain.

"I'm just outside your quarters now, I'll take them."

The door chimed

"Come"

Chakotay had picked up the PADD from his table and was holding it in his hand waiting for her.

Kathryn entered. Chakotay appeared calm and had a look of indifference about him.

"Thank you Commander"

And with that she left.

Chakotay stared after the closed door for a long while.

"Three days ago, I didn't know your name and now I can't imagine one day without you"

Chakotay hadn't needed to say anything at that, he had felt the same way.

_We have to now don't we? Because I don't know if we can the type of friends we were before and I don't know what I am going to do without that,_ he said softly to a closed door.

The End

**Part 9: Coming into the Light**

**Ray 1: Heart to Heart**


End file.
